Melanie Brown is many things: To most of us, she’s Mel B — practically a friend. She’s Scary Spice of the bestselling girl group of all time, the Spice Girls. She’s a six-season America’s Got Talent fan favorite, now returning to the judges’ table. She’s a mother of three equally creative children, Phoenix, 26, Angel, 18, and Madison, 13. And she’s the fiancée of hairstylist Rory McPhee, a man who awakened a love in her that she’s never experienced.
More than a decade ago, her life looked entirely different. She detailed that incredibly dark and painful period in her 2018 memoir, Brutally Honest. Self-medicating and seeing no other way out, Brown attempted to take her own life in 2014 by swallowing nearly 200 aspirin. “What were you thinking? That the world or your friends and family would be better off without you?” Brown, 49, tells Us Weekly about that time. “That’s how far along I was in the whole situation of self-loathing, guilt, embarrassment.”
Brown eventually found the strength to leave the relationship she was in and, in 2019, moved back home to Leeds, England. Her next steps: therapy, rebuilding… and happiness! She’s planning her dream wedding while living her best #farmlife in a centuries-old home of traditional stone on 15 acres with goats and more. And she’s taking a welcome detour to L.A. to join AGT for its landmark 20th season (NBC, May 27, 8 p.m.).
Most important, she’s using her voice to help “as many women as possible, especially survivors of abuse,” as a patron for the domestic violence charity Women’s Aid. “I’m getting to know myself more and more, especially where I’ve come from, feeling so unconfident and unworthy,” Brown says. “I’ve managed to figure out my little road to a peaceful place.” The star talks to Us about healing after heartbreak.
Was the invitation to come back to AGT a serendipitous moment for you?
Oh, definitely, because I’m in a much better place. When I was on AGT [from 2013 to 2018], it was a very bad time. It was my dirty little secret. I didn’t know how to tell anyone. I was too embarrassed, guilty and ashamed. [But] on those filming days, I got to be myself for nine, 10 hours. I got to really enjoy sitting next to Howie [Mandel], Heidi [Klum] and Simon [Cowell]. This time around, I’m happy on the desk, and I’m going to be happy going home because it is a totally different setup and scenario.
You resurfaced on 2024’s Fantasy League spinoff. How are AGT fans responding now that you’ll be around all summer?
Hopefully they’re excited because I’m really, really excited. My kids are delighted. Since I moved back to the U.K. in 2019, I was like, “I’m not a citizen of the U.S., so if you want me, you’ve got to get me an open visa.”
Has it been tough to be back after such difficult years?
Everything’s come full circle. I never thought I’d be coming back to the U.S. It did have a little bit of an icky feeling — especially L.A., because I’d gone through so much and divorced here. [But] I’m falling in love with it again because it’s on my terms, with a lot of freedom, self-love and self-care.
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Have you found triggers in the city?
I’m going to have triggers my entire life, especially after what I’ve been through. I’d be very dishonest to say, “Oh, everything’s fine.” I have good days. I have bad days. I’ve worked enough on myself to know if I feel a trigger coming on. I have the tools to be able to calm myself down, get in check with what’s real, what’s not real, what’s PTSD and just soothe myself.
It’s a very difficult thing to move forward because you can do two steps forward and five steps back. I know I’m a work in progress, but I’ve come so far — leaps and bounds — through therapy, through a lot of self-belief and faith, and I’m proud of that.
Years ago, you attempted suicide. Do you even recognize that woman who had no hope anymore?
I can’t deny that’s what I went through. That person’s still there, and I give her a hug when she crops up every now and again. I would never go to that dark place again. I have the tools to be able to acknowledge it and say “I’m sorry” to that person, which is me, and not allow myself to feel like that. Because I’m better than that.
How have your Spice Girls “sisters” factored into your journey?
Because I was on tour toward the end of my relationship, I was very much guarded. I put up such a barrier because I wanted to make sure I was appearing fine. It was too much for me to admit it to the girls — then I’d have to admit it to myself. And then what? I had nowhere to turn. So the girls were there, but I know they felt guilty. I’ve said to them before, many times, “It wasn’t anything to do with you. Even if you tried to shake me and go, ‘I know what’s going on,’ I would’ve denied it because I wasn’t ready to actually have that realization.”
Can you remember a breakthrough moment in therapy?
Finding EMDR. [Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy involves moving your eyes a specific way while you process traumatic memories.] Because I didn’t have to talk. Talking is reliving it. EMDR eases that pain without words. For me, it was much more healing than any other therapy.
You were eventually diagnosed with PTSD. What are your strategies to manage it?
I have music. Candles and incense. I like things to feel cozy because my work, which I love and don’t really call work, is so [fast-paced]. I’ve always been like this, even in my Spice days: I love being at home with a fire and binge-watching some [TV]. What was I watching the other day that I’d never seen? Game of Thrones!
How do you navigate your mental health struggles while in the public eye?
I make sure I have my brain breaks where I go to Thailand by myself. I go up to my farm without my phone so my kids or fiancé can’t contact me unless they come all the way up to [a different] field. I make space to be able to breathe and feel and sit.
It must have been incredibly satisfying to buy your own home in Leeds.
I left my relationship with barely any money in the bank and little idea of where my money had all gone. I had to live with my mum [Andrea] during Covid, which, looking back, was a beautiful thing because [I] had nowhere to go. We had to dig deep and be honest with each other about what I’d gone through and what my mum had experienced. She thought that throughout most of my relationship, I didn’t want to speak to her or want her in my life. Isolation from friends and family is all part of the cycle, and that was something we had to repair.
I didn’t think I would ever be able to build up financial stability, but I worked hard. I was looking for houses for about four years, thinking, “I’m never going to be able to afford that, but I’m going to keep looking anyway.” This house showed up at the right time.
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What would you say you’ve learned about yourself through all this?
I’m resilient. And I don’t take things for granted. As long as I’m being true to myself and keeping my side of the street clean, then I’m good to go. I think women in general are resilient. Look, we give birth, we multitask. We can hold a job down and be on the phone doing business affairs, and with the kids. [We] make sure they’ve got the packed lunch. We are everything.
How has your perspective on love evolved over the years?
Leaving that 10-year relationship, I was not looking to be in another. I was all about my kids, making sure they [were] OK and on their healing journey. Rory, a lovely family friend, is a hairdresser, so he was nurturing my curls back. When I left my ex, I cut my hair off and dyed it blonde. I wanted to get rid of anything that made me think of [the relationship]. So I’m like, “Can you come and help me?” As [Rory] was nurturing my curls, he was nurturing my belief in love again and trust — which is a huge thing for me because the person I loved and trusted turned out to be the worst mistake I ever made. Up until two years ago, I was like, “You can find somebody else. I’m too broken.” Rory goes, “Melanie, I’m not going anywhere. Because I absolutely love you.”
What does your fiancé bring to your life?
So much compassion and understanding. He’s very special. He’s a very confident man, and that, to me, is a man. He makes me feel so safe — I didn’t realize how unsafe I felt because that became normal to me. Whereas now I have to pinch myself and go, “You are so kind. Are you still going to be kind? Can I marry you? Can I trust my own instincts?” And you can.
You have a big milestone coming up: Turning 50 on May 29. Plans?
I’m not really a party person. I can celebrate, but I always feel like there’s so much pressure for you to be happy on that day. My dad’s birthday was the day before mine, and I always spent my birthdays with him. He passed in 2017, so I don’t know what’s going to happen for my 50th. The day before, I’m always sad. I miss my dad.
Do you think there’s anything you’ll do differently in your 50s?
I’m getting to know myself more and more. I’ve really had to work on that, and I’m going to be working on that for the rest of my life. I’m ever-evolving. I like myself. So 50, even though it’s a big thing, I’m like, bring it on.
What’s one thing you haven’t done that you’d like to accomplish in this decade?
I think I’ve done quite a lot, and unexpectedly. I’m just very thankful for that. At some point, I want to set up my own foundation [to help women and especially survivors of abuse].
While Brown works extensively with Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) abroad, you can find resources and support in the U.S. via the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE or thehotline.org)
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