Allison Holker found closure after husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss‘ death by reading his journals.
“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” Holker, 36, told People on Tuesday, January 7. “He didn’t want other people to take on his pain.”
Holker revealed that Boss alluded to being sexually abused by a male figure during his childhood in the entries. “Reading Stephen’s journals, and even going back into the books he had read and the things that he was highlighting and lining, really gave me a better perspective of where he was in life and the type of things he was struggling with,” she told the outlet.”It did have me feel a lot of empathy towards him and sadness for all the pain that he was holding.”
While preparing for Boss’ funeral, Holker also discovered his secret drug addiction.
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“I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Holker said about the “cornucopia” of drugs including mushrooms, pills and “other substances” she had to look up after finding them hiding in Boss’ shoeboxes. “It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed.”
Holker found it “very alarming” but it allowed her to find clarity after Boss’ passing.
“There was so much happening that I had no clue [about],” she continued. “It was a really scary moment in my life to figure that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that.”
Boss, best known for his all-star appearances on So You Think You Can Dance and as the regular DJ on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, died by suicide in December 2022 at age 40.
“It is with the heaviest of hearts that I have to share my husband Stephen has left us. Stephen lit up every room he stepped into,” Holker said in a statement at the time. “He valued family, friends and community above all else and leading with love and light was everything to him. He was the backbone of our family, the best husband and father, and an inspiration to his fans.”
She continued: “To say he left a legacy would be an understatement, and his positive impact will continue to be felt. I am certain there won’t be a day that goes by that we won’t honor his memory. We ask for privacy during this difficult time for myself and especially for our three children. Stephen, we love you, we miss you, and I will always save the last dance for you.”
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Holker, who shared son Maddox, 8, and daughters Weslie, 16, and Zaia, 5, with Boss, reflected on their nine-year marriage and her healing journey in her upcoming “This Far” memoir.
“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that have been said, reading through his journals … you realize he went through a lot as a child and never faced it,” she told People. “It’s hard to think that he never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, to get through on the other side. I really hope people dealing with the same thing will help themselves out of the shadows and [know] you’re going to be okay.”
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
