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Michael Alcee is a clinical psychologist in Tarrytown, New York, and the author of “The Upside of OCD: Flip the Script to Reclaim Your Life.” He wrote this column for the Chicago Tribune.
Are you a New Year’s resolution hater? Could you care any less that early Christians reflected on past sins at this time of year or that your neighbor will finally use that Peloton to work out in January? If that’s the case, you’re in good company.
As many as 70 percent of Americans opt out of the resolution contest, according to the Pew Research Center. As for resolution-makers, nearly a quarter of them drop out within the first week of January. A significant number will be “game over” by mid-January. Happy Quitters Day! You might not be celebrating it yet, but you’ll soon join the rest of us.
As a psychologist and resolution hater, I’m not surprised that resolutions are so reviled. They exert undue pressure, secretly tell us we’re not worthy on our own merits and mock the very nuance we need to actually be successful.
Research suggests that resolutions are way too decisive. We’d be better off leaning into our ambivalence.
Organizational psychologist Naomi Rothman says we incorrectly perceive ambivalence — the capacity to have strong feelings that are contradictory — as a sign of weakness and indecision. Her research shows that in an adversarial environment, leaders who express ambivalence are unfairly judged as less dominant. But, when you put these same leaders into collaborative teams, ambivalence leads to more innovation, productivity and better decision-making. These leaders are viewed as better listeners and more flexible, curious and open to input.
What does this mean for the typical resolution-maker? First off, be careful not to place your resolutions into a zero-sum framework. “Am I succeeding or failing?” is a covert way of asking, “Am I lovable or unlovable this year,” and it’s likely to backfire.
Be an ambivalent leader who seeks feedback on what’s going wrong and what’s going right. Maybe you have good reasons for not getting to the gym this week or completing the great American novel. Maybe that side of you needs proper down time to usher in a creative breakthrough.
Don’t believe that your psyche is a leadership team? I tell my clients that we all have a collection of selves who are sharing a meal at a table, and we’re curious about which sides talk the most, which say the least and, most importantly, which ones aren’t even invited or allowed at the table. Based on therapist Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems therapy, this approach features ambivalence as a centerpiece of healthy psychological functioning.
As counterintuitive as it may seem, it’s the marginalized, dissenting voices — not the loudest, most resolute ones — we need in order to rock those resolutions.
Your psyche is crying out: Don’t you get that I overeat, overspend and ditch exercise in hopes you’ll notice and give me your attention? Can’t you see that I’m a metaphor for what you try to make so literal with your resolutions in the first place?
This is why I give credit to the resolution haters.
I specialize in working with clients with obsessive-compulsive disorder who are notorious for doubt, self-criticism and analysis paralysis. For them, too, leaning into ambivalence — their selfish and rebellious sides alongside their brilliance and beauty — works wonders in helping them find their voice again. I’m certain it will help you find yours again, too.
There’s a lot more hope and promise when we can wonder and wander, when we can feel loved and valued for our being and becoming, rather than our production and our outcomes.
Maybe we’ve been doing it all wrong. And maybe that’s just right for this new year.
