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It is Thanksgiving season once again, and I think you should talk about politics and religion at your dinner table.
That is counterintuitive advice, obviously. Most Americans have heard someone tell them to avoid doing that, particularly at gatherings like Thanksgiving where a lot of very different people get together and causing offense becomes very easy.
Etiquette manuals in the 18th century frequently advised that people should stay away from topics that could lead to heated arguments in certain settings, including (but not limited to) politics, religion and money. Mark Twain is often credited with popularizing the sentiment, saying that one should “never discuss politics or religion in polite company,” though there is actually no evidence he ever actually said that.
The reasons for the advice are obvious: If you bring up sensitive topics that highlight differences and inspire passions, you are a lot more likely to see tempers flare, voices raise and arguments ensue. Nobody really wants that, so it is best to avoid the topics and keep things even.
But is that really the right decision?
Personally, I don’t think so. People in our lives have different values, perspectives and opinions, and that means that for us to live together, we must navigate those differences in a healthy, productive way. If we are so interested in maintaining the peace that we simply try to avoid those differences, then we are not actually dealing with one another, but distancing ourselves from each other.
My preference would be to do the opposite. We should deal with our differences by confronting them. So I say we should bring up politics. Talk about Donald Trump and Kamala Harris and whether you are happy or sad about the next four years. Bring up religion. Talk about your zealotry or atheism, or general confusion about what you believe. Bring up money. Talk about how hard it is to afford college for your kids or how you’re struggling with unemployment. Bring up anything. Talk about it all.
The trick, of course, is to do so like an adult. If you were a Trump supporter and you end up arrogantly lording his victory over your liberal friends and attempting to make them feel stupid or small for being on the defeated side, you’re doing it wrong. If you were a Harris supporter and you start lecturing and yelling at your Republican family members for being fascist sympathizers, you are doing it wrong.
Be rational. Be logical. Be thoughtful. Listen. Try to understand the point of view of the other people. React sensibly. Be mature. Act like an adult, not a petulant, emotional child.
Interestingly enough, etiquette experts have a more nuanced view than the banal advice we all quote to each other, and that view tends to align with my advice. In her 1922 book, “Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home,” Emily Post emphasized that such topics can lead to disagreements and should be approached thoughtfully. Not entirely avoided, but carefully considered. She said that these subjects can stir deep-seated convictions with enthusiastic arguments on opposing sides, but that they can also stimulate lively conversation, too.
This is a healthy attitude, because our politics, religion and other related subjects are core aspects of who we are as human beings. Refusing to talk about them robs us of the ability to talk about who we actually are, and makes the remaining conversations cheap and empty.
But more than that, at a basic level I think we need to get a lot more comfortable with the idea that it is possible to not just coexist with people who see the world differently than us, but that we can embrace them because they see the world differently than us.
We are all married to our beliefs, obviously. I know I certainly am. But would I really want a world in which everyone agreed with me about everything? Do I really have any interest in a life where nothing is debated or discussed, and I’m never challenged over anything? Is it really all that good for me to have only one type of person in my group of family or friends?
I think most of us acknowledge that such a life would be bland and boring, and things are better because we are different.
So this Thanksgiving, pass the turkey and stuffing, and feel free to drop Trump’s name to see what happens. Believe me, you’ll be fine.
