The BDN Opinion section operates independently and does not set news policies or contribute to reporting or editing articles elsewhere in the newspaper or on bangordailynews.com
Ralph Parks teaches at Eastern Maine Community College, is on the board of Health Equity Alliance, and is active in the Harrison D. Barrett Spiritualist Church of Bangor.
For many people, questions around gender issues are difficult because they are looking for black-and-white answers in an area of grays.
Start with the difficulty of distinguishing between sex and gender. For our purposes, sex is defined by what is occurring between the hips, while gender is what is occurring between the ears.
The older we are, the harder it is to accept change. We want things to be the way they were. I’m sorry, but nothing has ever stayed the same. The real question is: Are you going to try to understand, or just be left behind? You may find yourself left out of the lives of your children, your grandchildren, those people you say you love.
My grandparents had a post-Civil War mentality. My parents lived through the Depression and World War II. My sister was raised with Chubby Checker, and I went to college with Pink Floyd and Moody Blues. It’s been difficult to find common ground with all these people.
Concepts of race, religion and rights have changed over the years. We have to let go of our preconceived notions or risk losing relationships with those we love — or said we loved. Change is painful. Change is difficult. Change is necessary.
Young people are seeing and defining themselves differently than we ever did. Here are some definitions we need to know so we are not left behind:
Binary — nonnegotiable thinking of male and female as absolutes;
Gay — attracted to the same gender;
Lesbian — women attracted to other women;
Transgender — when gender awareness does not align with the sex on a birth certificate;
Non-binary — when gender does not fit into the binary gender understanding;
Intersex — born with sexual characteristics that do not fit binary ideas of male and female;
Pansexual — when attraction is not dependent on gender;
Bisexual — someone attracted to two or more genders;
Gender non-conforming — an individual not fitting into the societal expectations of the expression of their gender.
Here is the most important word to add to this list: Ally — someone who has decided to be a loving support for people who have declared themselves on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.
The passage of time requires change. You know people stuck in the past. Hate, anger and bitterness may poison their lives and relationships. They live in the past, unwilling to think about a new idea.
Recently, I joined six men trying to come to a definition of masculinity. We couldn’t do it. We acknowledged trying to answer questions of gender was like trying to pin down mercury. It doesn’t work.
This is a time in the history of humanity when we are going through a painful growth spurt, to realize that gender isn’t an either/or, but acknowledging we are all on a spectrum. At the ends of the spectrum are cartoon characters with the depth of Popeye and Olive Oil. Young people are moving away from the notion that you are either male or female, to the idea we are all other, falling under the umbrella of human.
Adjustments in thinking are not easy. Many hide in the dogma of their religious traditions, where personhood is weaponized through the eye of the needle of scripture and the rights of one group allows for the diminishment of another group. Valuing one group should not allow you to devalue those not in your chosen group. People have hidden their hate and bias behind denominational thinking. Religion is denominational; God is nondenominational.
The question becomes: Are you part of the solution or the problem?
Your challenge: Can you approach another with an open heart, not an agenda, to do something kind. Sometimes, that might be to leave them alone. Every person’s life is difficult enough without you loading up their plate with your attitude. There is a contradiction in your thinking if you want the right to define how you see yourself while denying others to define themselves. People need acceptance for who they are, not for who you want them to be.
