It’s been a little more than a decade since Jamie Lynn Sigler publicly revealed she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in her early 20s. Her only regret is not sharing her truth sooner. “What struck me the most was the outpouring of support from the MS community,” Sigler recalls to Us Weekly during a late March Zoom call. “I realized, ‘Oh, I have robbed myself of this tribe, of these people who see me. And I’m not alone anymore.’”
At 44, the Sopranos actress is doing better than she imagined possible. She and her husband of 10 years, former baseball player Cutter Dykstra, live a quiet, happy life in Austin, Texas, with sons Beau, 12, and Jack, 8, and a community of close friends. She’ll soon star in the upcoming third season of the Netflix comedy Tires on top of cohosting the “MeSsy” podcast with actress Christina Applegate, who was diagnosed with MS in 2021, and her new memoir, And So It Is….: A Memoir of Acceptance and Hope, is out May 5. “It’s wild to think that I’m the most settled and confident I’ve ever been,” she says, “despite living in a disabled body.”
Sigler spent 14 years hiding her MS diagnosis from the world at large, becoming more and more reclusive as her first marriage to her manager AJ Discala was falling apart (they divorced in 2005). She ran herself ragged, concealing a limp, bouts of incontinence and pain from directors, castmates and fans. She finally shared the news of her condition — an autoimmune disease of the central nervous system — in 2016, days after her Palm Springs, California, wedding to Dykstra. With her secret finally out, she felt free. “I’m done apologizing for having MS,” she says.
Other moments tested her, like when her son Beau was fighting for his life in the ICU. “Your pain doesn’t have to break you. Your pain can break you free,” says Sigler, who is grateful for the highs, lows and everything in between. “The moments where you’re stuck are special and important,” she tells Us. “That’s when you find yourself and your grit and your courage. It’s where you find who you really are.”
Why write this book now?
I felt ready. I’d never wanted to write a book. I was approached after I came out about my MS, but I had an aversion to it. I assumed the only thing people would want to know about is my life with MS. I’ve finally let go of the pressure to be what I think people want me to be. Over the last couple of years — whether it’s being in a beautiful marriage, finding my incredible tribe of friends, becoming a mother and doing my podcast — I felt the freedom to be who I’ve always been behind closed doors.
You seem to have found a real sense of acceptance.
I give Christina [Applegate] all the credit for being like, “Yeah, we have to wear diapers sometimes.” That was always, like, God forbid anybody would have known [that]. There’s still such shame about it. And then with what I went through with Beau, I’m just like, “F*** it.”
What was the writing process like?
I’ve never worked harder on anything. I poured my heart and soul into this, and I enjoyed it so much. I would wake up in the middle of the night and write for hours. It poured out of me.
You share that things really changed for you after you first saw a hypnotist. What happened?
I walked up to him [at his office], and he said, “Why aren’t you looking at me when you walk?” I’d never been challenged like that. I said, “I don’t like to watch people watch me walk.” It unlocked something in my brain — I didn’t realize how much shame I had around having MS. It was like this scarlet letter that said I was bad or tainted. We explored where that came from and how life would look if I didn’t think that way. [After, I drove by] a studio lot and I was thinking about how if I had an appointment at 2 p.m. I’d get there at 1, stretch by my car, walk for five minutes, then stop and pretend I was on my phone if I saw anyone [when really] I was dying inside. I thought, “What if I could open myself up to life being a lot easier, and asking for help?”
Jamie Lynn-Sigler’s Honest Quotes About Living With Multiple Sclerosis
What was behind your decision to keep the MS a secret?
My brother [Adam, who died of a sudden brain hemorrhage in 2014 at age 41] was suffering from terrible OCD [obsessive compulsive disorder], but we were told, “Let’s not tell anybody.” My mom was always like, “Put lipstick on and say everything’s fine.” Your problems are not for anybody else to judge, and it’ll keep you safe.
Hiding it must have taken a big toll.
I was always acting. I had no idea what authenticity felt like. Everything was a lie and for show. I didn’t even know who I was. All these secrets had piled up, and I was suffocating. I was constantly in fight or flight and survival mode. I’m sure that it contributed to a lot of the flare-ups I experienced.
You mention in the book that you were relieved when a pilot you were working on didn’t get picked up.
I finally had a lead in this high-profile pilot, and it was everything I wanted, but it was a terrible experience for me because I was so terrified everyone was going to find out. [During filming, the show’s director noticed something was off with the way Sigler walked.] For the first time, people were like, “Are you limping? You look like something’s wrong.” The relief I had [when it wasn’t picked up] was the opposite of what anybody should feel. I was like, “Thank God, I’m still safe.” My reps didn’t even know at the time.
You were so hard on yourself. What would you tell that person now?
“I understand you, I see you. This is all part of the process, but what if this is actually an invitation to learn how to love yourself?” Because that’s what MS did. It stopped me in my tracks and was like [a] mirror [telling me,] “The lies you’ve been telling yourself about who you are aren’t true.”
Let’s talk about The Sopranos. You started acting as a child, but had decided to quit to become a camp counselor when you got the call to play Meadow. Can you imagine if you had missed that chance?
The only reason I went to New York City for the audition was because I was hoping to go to Urban Outfitters and get some clothes for camp. [Laughs.] It feels like everything is so divinely planned, which gives me so much faith moving forward.
How do you think your life would have gone if you had missed the Sopranos audition?
I probably still would have gone to NYU and probably would’ve really focused on Broadway. The goal was to be on stage. I probably would have moved back to Long Island and raised a family there, like most of my friends from high school are doing, which is fine and wonderful.
Ned Fulmer, Christina Applegate and More Stars Battling Multiple Sclerosis
You’ve been open about losing weight and getting a nose job before season 1 got rolling.
I mean, it was all on me. Who shoots a pilot and comes back 40 pounds lighter and with a different nose? We were naive to think nobody would notice. I wouldn’t have blamed them if they fired me.
Did you feel a certain amount of pressure after that?
I was like, “OK, I will not blow this. I will show them that they don’t have to worry about me,” which I think snowballed into all the things that were coming later. I was like, Oh God, I’m not going to tell them [about the MS]. I constantly felt like a problem, and that was my biggest fear. I’m such a people pleaser. I felt like such a black cloud. But what 16- or 17-year-old doesn’t make dumb decisions? When you’re on the No. 1 show in the world, everything’s so amplified.
What was it like to play such an iconic character?
I was meant to be Meadow. She was me. She taught me a lot, and I infused a lot into her as well. We grew up together. There were a lot of times that I escaped into her from my own life.
Your onscreen dad, James Gandolfini, was the only one you told about your MS. Did a weight lift off you?
Having somebody there who knew was a game-changer. I think he knew I couldn’t carry [the burden] alone anymore. Sometimes, if we were at a cast party or a charity event, he would pull me aside and be like, “How’s the MS? Tell me what’s going on.” But never at work and never in front of anybody. It shifted a lot of the energy for me [on set], just knowing that somebody knows my secret.
You became very famous very young. How did that feel?
I didn’t realize how ill-equipped I was for being catapulted [to fame] for my first big job. We did not know how to navigate that. It was also a time when people were really brutal within the industry. When the head of Wilhelmina Modeling Agency [wanted to] take me on as his client, he was like, “You look fat and bad, and you spoke poorly.” But in hindsight, I’m like, that was messed up. I was a child. I assumed I just kept making terrible decisions, as opposed to having any sort of compassion for how crazy and wild that was for this little girl from Long Island with a family that had no connections and no real support.
What was the hardest adjustment?
Seeing myself on screen. I was like, “I don’t look like anyone on the shows that I watch.” It was really hard. I was at a tender age dealing with my first heartbreak and my body [was] changing, and it really sent me into a spiral.
How did you stay grounded?
Growing up, I was building this career alongside staying in public school and having a bat mitzvah and going to the prom. I didn’t want to miss out on any of that. [Sigler left NYU after freshman year to concentrate on acting.] I’d still visit my friends at college — I needed those moments where I still felt like Jamie Sigler from Jericho, Long Island.
Is there a role that got away?
One of the creators of How I Met Your Mother did a pilot about a Jersey couple. [My character] sang and worked in a bar. I was put through a hundred screen tests, and there was this one person who was like, “She’s Meadow, and she’s not funny.” That one really devastated me.
In And So It Is, you open up about fantasizing about your own death during your marriage to AJ. Was it hard to revisit that?
I hadn’t relived that moment until I wrote it. It wasn’t even really about suicide. It was a cry for help. I needed someone to know how terrified and overwhelmed I was.
You write about the end of your marriage to AJ. Have you reconciled everything that went down with him?
A marriage at 20 is still a marriage. I needed a lot of proof to leave. When I went through his phone, I knew something shady was going on. All women feel that way. I wanted to share that not to bash him, but for other women. I felt like such a failure all the time, but I understood I was not going to survive much longer if I stayed in that marriage. I think he knew that, too.
Looking back, do you see red flags?
I desperately needed him at that time, so I can’t be like, “What were you thinking?” I know what I needed, and he provided a lot of that for me. Can I look back and see a young girl who was possibly being taken advantage of? Yes, but I also don’t think that he really thought that was happening. I think we were both caught up in a ride, and I think our relationship was really toxic and complicated.
Jamie-Lynn Sigler ‘Almost Died’ 1 Year Ago From Sepsis After Surgery
You dated an anonymous boy bander before you met AJ. Can you give Us any hints about who it was?
He’s not in’ NSync. That’s probably all I can say. It was a six-month fling.
It sounds like you manifested meeting Cutter.
I wanted somebody I could feel safe with and who excited me and who was fun. I don’t think I wrote down “athlete,” but I was dating a lot of athletes at the time. When I met Cutter, I didn’t think this was the guy — he was a 22-year-old minor league baseball player. But by two weeks in, [I knew it wasn’t a fling]. I was going to do whatever I needed to do to make it work with him.
You found out you were pregnant 10 months in.
As soon as I found out, it was very clear for both of us this is supposed to happen. I feel like that was God intervening and being like, “This is it.”
James died in 2013. Do you remember the last time you two spoke?
We were at a casino. I was happy to see him in a beautiful marriage and in a beautiful space in his life. We were both like, “We’re good. Look at us.” He asked if I needed help walking, and I said, “I’m OK,” and he said, “Alright, you tell me if you need help.” I remember him being proud. It was a beautiful moment.
You lost your brother in 2014. How did that change you?
When somebody dies, you do everything to honor them. Adam lived more in the moment and we try to live a little more like [that]. We’ve all become a bit lighter.
Why did you and Cutter decide to leave L.A. for Austin in 2021?
We needed a change. When I moved here, I started using a cane once in a while because I didn’t feel like I was being watched. Here, it was like, “I’m just Beau and Jack’s mom at the baseball field.”
Tell Us about your friendship with Christina Applegate.
I always say, at the open door of being honest and vulnerable, she kicked me in the ass and pushed me off the cliff. We’re both teachers for each other.
How do you deal with criticism at this point in your life?
The amount of comments that I get on my Instagram, being like, “Man, she got old,” and I’m like, “You think? I’m not 16. What did you think was gonna happen?” The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz has helped me — it’s about never taking anything personally. Anything anybody has to say about you has to do with them.
Looking back, would you have done anything differently?
No. Like I said in my dedication page to Cutter, Beau and Jack: “If these roads would lead me to you every time, I would do them again without hesitation.”
What’s next?
I’m working on my favorite show on Netflix called Tires with Shane Gillis and I’m writing. I’d love to tell a story of a woman that comes with this kind of life, this kind of body and this kind of experience, and the universalness that can come from watching her navigate her life. It’s fun to feel inspired by something that felt like my curse, and is now [a] feather in my cap. For the first time, I’m so excited about the unknown. I’m ready for whatever is meant for me. I’m not afraid anymore.
For more from Jamie Lynn Sigler, watch the exclusive video above and pick up the latest issue of Us Weekly — on newsstands now.
