Former NBC staffer Brooke Nevils, who accused Matt Lauer of rape in 2017, is opening up about the fallout from her allegations in her upcoming book, Unspeakable Things.
“The day after I made my complaint, Matt was questioned by NBC and fired by NBC News chairman Andrew Lack later that night. After his firing was announced the next morning — Wednesday, November 29, 2017 — the Times and Variety published a slew of other allegations against Matt,” Nevils wrote in an excerpt shared via The Cut on Wednesday, January 28. “The next day, an investigative reporter was texting my personal cell phone. Eventually a tabloid began calling my coworkers at 30 Rock, apparently asking whether they were aware that I was Matt’s ‘mistress who’d gotten him fired.’ After that, I made it a few more months before taking a leave of absence that would ultimately prove permanent.”
Nevils continued, “I’d started at NBC giving studio tours, and it had taken nearly a decade to work my way up to salaried prime-time news producer. Now that life was gone, and I barely recognized the train wreck I’d become. I was compulsive, paranoid, and drinking all the time. I felt I’d ruined everything, hurt and embarrassed everyone I loved.”
“Soon I would find myself in a psych ward, believing myself so worthless and damaged that the world would be better off without me,” she added.
Matt Lauer’s Life After Misconduct Scandal: Where Is He After ‘Today’ Exit?
Lauer, now 68, was fired by NBC in 2017 amid allegations of sexual misconduct. Lack noted in a statement at the time that the company had “reason to believe this may not have been an isolated incident” following a “serious review” of the accusations.
Nevils previously shared more details regarding the assault in Ronan Farrow‘s 2019 book, Catch and Kill, saying she was anally raped by Lauer in his hotel room in Sochi, Russia, while covering the 2014 Winter Olympics. According to Nevils, she was “too drunk to consent” and told Lauer “multiple times” that she didn’t want to have anal sex. (Farrow’s book also revealed that Nevils attempted suicide and was hospitalized for PTSD following her complaint.)
Lauer, for his part, shut down Nevils’ accusations, claiming in a letter shared via his lawyer that the encounter was consensual. (The Cut noted Lauer’s denial in Wednesday’s story.)
In the book excerpt, Nevils recalled waking up in Sochi with her underwear “caked with blood” and thinking, “This must have been a misunderstanding.”
The Most Dramatic ‘Today’ Show Exits Over the Years: Hoda Kotb and More
“It was the only acceptable conclusion I could reach without my whole life falling apart. … But then there was the pain, which was undeniable. It hurt to walk. It hurt to sit. It hurt to remember,” she wrote. “One strikingly clear thought crossed my mind and then was instantly struck from my consciousness: If anyone else had done this to me, I would have gone to the police.”
Nevils recalled a separate alleged incident which occurred at a New York City apartment after Sochi, as well as “four more instances” that took place in the months that followed.
“Every day, I felt more and more like I was being drawn into quicksand, disappearing. Everyone around me assumed I was the same fundamentally decent person I’d always been when I knew that I was not,” she wrote. “No amount of alcohol could make that fraudulent, invisible feeling bearable, so sometimes some version of the story would come out after I’d had enough to drink. Even drunk, though, I would never have been reckless enough to say that Matt was anything other than the niceish guy he appeared to be on Today.”
While wrestling with what happened, Nevils said there were some moments when she “felt more alive than ever.” She further acknowledged that Lauer “was not monstrous at all” when they were alone, “but charming and charismatic, powerfully wielding the talent that all great interviewers have of making you feel as though you’re the only person in the world.”
Billy Bush Recalls Tense Confrontation With Matt Lauer: ‘You’re Small’
Before coming forward to report Lauer, Nevils gave “sanitized, idealized versions of what happened” to “about 10 to 12 people” in her life, including her mother. As rumors began to swirl about Lauer’s behavior, Nevils weighed her options. Despite feeling like she would be betraying NBC — which she said “felt like home” — Nevils noted that it was likely “something about Matt would inevitably come out.”
“It would take years — and a national reckoning with sexual harassment and assault — before I called what happened to me assault,” Nevils wrote.
Nevils admitted that she felt “set up to fail” when it came to sharing her story. In the years since the “long-overdue” Me Too movement, she’s “painstakingly” taken steps to move forward.
“Every moment with my family is a precious piece of the life that I once believed I no longer deserved to live. Yet I know that somewhere, others are trapped in the same impossible situation I once was, left with the same set of bad choices I once faced, believing they don’t deserve the futures that still lie ahead of them,” she wrote. “To them, I would never say that the past can be fixed or changed, that justice is guaranteed, that life is fair, or that everything will be OK. I know all too well that it can’t, it isn’t, and all too likely, it won’t. I can say that I know what it is to feel truly alone and ashamed, living a life that seems irredeemable, believing yourself to be worthless and unlovable.”
Unspeakable Things is available Tuesday, February 3.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
