Years later, Pam Stepnick is reflecting on son Logan Paul’s since-deleted video showing the body of an alleged suicide victim in Japan.
In F*** the Pauls: Written by Their Mother, which hit shelves on Tuesday, January 27, Pam recalled “all hell [breaking] loose” when the YouTube video was published on December 31, 2017.
When Pam initially learned of the video, she said that she was “probably a little desensitized” because she didn’t think the clip could be “that bad.”
“I looked at my internet browser on my phone. Logan’s face was splashed across the mainstream media outlets,” she wrote. “I was in shock. How did this happen? In the tornado of daily posts, videos, events, paparazzi, fans, deals, money, glitz, glam, planes, my son lost his moral compass in the Aokigahara forest in Japan. Overnight, Logan went from being one of the most popular people on the internet to being one of the most hated people in the world. He was cancelled. Colossally cancelled.”
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Pam shared that she went on to watch the video, where Logan and his film crew walked through Japan’s “suicide forest” near Mount Fuji. A few yards into the forest, the group encountered a man who had allegedly died by suicide.
“‘Stop filming,’ I said aloud to the video. ‘OK — we get it. OK, this is too much,’” she recalled thinking as she watched the video. “The team continued to film. It still makes me feel nauseous in my body to talk about it. My mind was reeling. Why didn’t he stop filming? Why didn’t the other kids stop filming? Why was this edited together? Why was this posted?”
Prior to this moment, Pam shared that she felt like she and her family — which includes son Jake Paul — were “building a plane as we were flying it,” but now it “felt like our engine caught on fire, and suddenly we had to make an emergency landing.”
Pam noted that “millions of people” had watched the video within a few hours of the clip going live, with Logan trending on Twitter (now X) with users commenting on his behavior.
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“For a moment in time, my son was the most hated man in the world. It’s hard to describe what that feels like as that man’s mother,” she wrote. “Is it defensiveness mixed with horror? Panic? It is mostly deeply painful. You feel it in your own body.”
Pam shared that “keyboard warriors” and public figures began sharing their “disgust with Logan,” with users sharing comments like, “Kill yourself … Go die … Hope you kill yourself.” In Pam’s perspective, “nothing” they “had ever experienced as a family prepared [them] for this.” She recalled extended family and relatives reaching out to her, who she hadn’t heard from in years.
While Logan deleted the video and shared a video apologizing for the clip, Pam noted that the “damage was done.”
“The video was circulated. People were outraged,” she recalled. “YouTube barred Logan’s channel from Google Preferred or YouTube Premium, which was a revenue stream for creators. They also delayed the YouTube movie Logan had in the works.”
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Pam claimed that Jake “felt the ripple effects,” with “several huge brands” pulling out of deals with him because of Logan.
“They used to play on teeter-totters as kids. Remember, that’s the one where one kid is propelled up, as the other pushes one down. That’s been true for their careers, too. They are forever linked,” she said of her sons.
Hours after the video was published, Pam shared that she was “scared” Logan would be detained in Japan or “attacked by angry people.” Pam began praying, and Logan returned home and “went into hibernation.”
“I’m there for the highs, the mediums, the boring, the fun, the exciting. I’m there for it all. I was there for the public shaming, the moral outrage, the canceling, and there for the opportunity to help my son learn from this and do better,” she wrote. “I knew Logan thought he was filming something real that could potentially help people who were struggling. Was it the wrong way to go about it? Absolutely. Logan wasn’t the guy to deliver that kind of message. He wasn’t equipped to tackle something as heavy and real as suicide.”
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Pam noted that where she and her husband, David Stepnick, stood, the pair “saw it for what it really was: a serious misstep, not some evil-hearted act.”
David “encouraged” Pam to see Logan “in person and help him understand what went wrong.” She explained that she “didn’t yell at him,” and “didn’t call him an idiot,” but instead “[encouraged] him to take steps to make things right.”
“I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. Logan’s apology was not going to change anything. I prayed that God would transform this into something good,” she recalled. “The first thing that needed to happen was education. Logan was humbled. He was in a fog, ready to learn what he could have done differently. He wanted to do anything to figure out how this went so sideways.”
Pam said that Logan met with Kevin Hines, who had attempted suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in 2000 but survived. (Hines is now a speaker and advocate for suicide prevention.)
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“Logan understands how traumatic his video could be for someone struggling with their mental health. His vision was to share more positive stories of people who chose to live rather than die,” she wrote. “Kevin expressed a strong desire to see more stories about people overcoming their struggles and learning to cope. Although those narratives may attract less attention, they could make a real difference to someone considering ending their life.”
When Logan “owned up for his actions” on Good Morning America later that year, Pam shared that she was “heartbroken” for her son and “a little numb seeing his contrite face.”
Elsewhere in the memoir, Pam went on to note that the “Japan incident changed the course of Logan’s life.”
“Would he go on to be perfect? Not at all,” she wrote. “But would he continue to be more careful, thoughtful, and stronger? Yes.”
F*** the Pauls: Written by Their Mother is out now.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
