TikTok influencer Abby Howard broke down in tears as she shared her miscarriage story on her and husband Matt Howard’s “Unplanned” podcast.
On the Wednesday, October 8, episode, Abby, 26, was emotional but willing to discuss her recent pregnancy loss, noting to listeners that “if any part of this episode is not serving you or if you’re pregnant and it’s making you feel fear, please, like, discern for yourself whether or not this is something you should listen to, because the last thing I want to do is to make anyone feel more fear.”
“My purpose is to find the community of people that need to hear this or want to,” she continued. “I don’t know, hopefully [it] can do some good.”
Abby and Matt, 27, announced the loss of their third baby, a girl, on September 27. (They also share sons Griffin, 3, and August, 2.) The couple later explained that their unborn baby had “a genetic condition that took her life around 17 weeks gestation.”
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“Everything was just very routine,” Abby said on the podcast of finding out about the miscarriage. “[The nurse] put a little Doppler on my abdomen, and she couldn’t find anything, and it was taking a little bit. And I think, like [Matt] said, that’s always spooky. That’s a worst fear situation.”
After struggling to find a heartbeat, the nurse asked the doctor to come in before Abby was taken to an ultrasound room. Abby said that the ultrasound technician was moving really fast but that she noticed her baby “was really still in there.”
“They put the little thing on where they’re looking for the red and blue for cardiac activity,” she said. “And the only red and blue dots were outside of her little body, which would probably be like my heartbeat, right? And then I just remember I literally grabbed her arm and she said, ‘I don’t have good news for you.’ And that was when it feels like there was an Abby pre-that moment and an Abby post-that moment.”
Abby mentioned that she and Matt had coincidentally brought their two older children to the appointment, which was out of character as they usually left them home with a sitter during checkups. The pair said that having their kids there ended up being “a great relief” in the heartbreaking moment, despite the fact that they were “wreaking havoc” in the exam room.
“I think that was a unique blessing of that day, that we had them there, actually,” Abby said. “And I think that I could have thought of it both ways, like, ‘Oh gosh, they had to be there for a horrible, dark moment,’ but also they were such a tangible example of joy and hope in such a dark moment.”
In a video from the podcast recording, Matt also sat by Abby’s side as she recounted her decision to deliver at a hospital instead of an abortion clinic. (Abby noted that she would never judge anyone going through something similar for their choices after experiencing a miscarriage.)
“That was one of the easier decisions for me, personally, just because it felt like delivering her would be, like, one of the last acts as her mom that I could take part in,” Abby said through tears. “While that was hard, it was really not something I had to think super hard about.”
When they finally made it to the hospital, Abby said she just focused on taking one step at a time.
“I was just looking at my feet and I was just thinking, ‘One more step, one more step, one more step.’ Because that’s all I could do is, like, break it up into the next right step, the next right step,” she explained. “And ever since then, I’ve been following that same path, just looking down and focusing [on], ‘What’s the next right step, what’s the next right step?’ Because entering those doors, knowing what was going to happen, just felt like such a big mountain to climb.”
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Matt supported his wife as he chimed in to say that “delivering a baby that’s no longer living is just something that a woman should never have to do.” Abby went on to say that the whole birthing process was “really dark” and felt “so cruel” at points, as it felt eerily similar to a live birth.
“There’s no fetal monitoring because they’re not looking for the baby’s heartbeat anymore, [and] they will basically give you any medication you want because they’re not worried about that affecting anything for the baby. There’s also, the entire time, there was an incubator, just staring across from me in the room,” she continued, getting emotional again. “And laboring, knowing that I wasn’t gonna get to put my baby in there, that was really tough. That was really dark.”
Matt said that witnessing Abby’s parents, who have experienced something similar, comfort her throughout the grieving process has been “so sweet” despite the deep pain they’re feeling.
“[My mom] knows a lot of what it was like and there’s been a lot of people that have reached out to me that have similar stories — all kind of different, because every story is so different,” Abby shared, adding that “having community in my mom has been crucial. It’s been so important, and in many other women as well.”
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), a reported one in four pregnancies will end in a miscarriage, though experts believe the number to be higher as pregnant people can miscarry without ever knowing they are expecting.
If you or someone you know has experienced pregnancy or infant loss, online communities and organizations like the Miscarriage Association, Postpartum Support International, the Forget Me Not Organization and March of Dimes can help you find comfort during a difficult time.
