Watching Heather Graham pose in a pair of baby-blue roller skates on a gorgeous L.A. day in late February, it’s almost impossible to believe it’s been nearly three decades since she starred as Rollergirl in Paul Thomas Anderson’s cult classic Boogie Nights. While the actress hasn’t changed much on the outside (she still has that sweet smile, blonde waves and killer legs), she’s gone through quite a profound internal transformation since her early days in Hollywood. “I didn’t really know how to stand up for myself. I had to learn how to set boundaries. It took me my whole life, and I’m still learning,” Graham tells Us Weekly. “I’m not saying I’m always happy, but I feel like I’ve figured out how to enjoy my life more as I get older.”
Self-care is a top priority, and her winning formula is a combination of yoga and meditation, healthy eating (balanced with occasional splurges, like treats from trendy bakery Beverly Hills Cookies), laser treatments (“it’s better to look slightly older than like you had some weird plastic surgery”), therapy and a close-knit circle of friends who are always ready to cheer her on (like when she sent them early images from our shoot!). “You have to fill your own cup,” notes Graham, who’s dating Italian director Michele Civetta. “Then you can give from the overflow.”
Sitting down with Us on set at a private Beverly Hills residence, Graham reflects on her enduring career — including her new darkly comedic horror film They Will Kill You, costarring Patricia Arquette and Zazie Beetz, out March 27 — as well as her future plans and whether marriage is in the cards.
Do you feel more confident in your 50s than you did in your 20s?
I remember when I was 22, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “Oh my god, I have a line under my eye!” It’s sad how we do this to ourselves. [Thinking more positively] has been a gradual process. I do a lot of affirmations. There’s a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay; you create affirmations, so if you wake up and don’t think you look amazing, you tell yourself [you do]. It feels very loving.
Would you say you’re getting better with age?
I feel like I’m getting happier.
What have you let go of that you used to care about?
I used to [wonder], “Do people like me?” If I was with 10 people and nine people said, “You’re amazing,” and one was like, “I don’t like you,” I’d try to convince them to like me. Then I thought, “That’s a waste of my time and energy.” I want to go where the love is.
What’s your idea of success at this point in your life?
I’m grateful I can support myself financially. I don’t need to go to a guy [and say], “Can I please buy this?” And I’m grateful I get to do what I love. I love movies and TV, and I get to meet all these interesting people. You can always say, “I wish I had this or that,” but I’m very grateful for what I have.
Do you feel more creative?
I’m more up for adventure. I’m writing and producing, finding scripts and optioning them. I wish I would’ve started doing it in my 20s. I’m so inspired by women like Issa Rae that take matters into their own hands.
Tell Us about your new movie, They Will Kill You.
I describe it as Quentin Tarantino doing a horror movie. It’s like Tarantino mixed with Get Out mixed with Rosemary’s Baby. There’s humor to it. It’s not just super dark; there’s a lot of fun and action and comedy. It was fun to do something new. Zazie and I have a lot of fight scenes, and I definitely wanted to do some of the stunts myself.
You’ve done a bunch of yoga retreats. What’s your health and wellness philosophy like?
If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything. It’s wild to see all these amazing, beautiful performers [who are] sick or dying. I’m lucky to be alive and healthy. That’s No. 1, over my career and over everything else.
You look incredible. What are some of your secrets?
Being in nature is important, and being around people who love you. A lot of it is food and exercise.
Coming up in the ’90s and early 2000s, did you ever feel pressure to diet or be super thin?
I had unhealthy eating habits. In my early 20s, I was obsessed with sugar. I’d be like, “I don’t want to have dinner, so I’m going to eat eight candy bars or a pint of ice cream.” Then I’d be like, “That was bad, so now I’m not going to eat any regular food.” There was a period where I was eating frozen yogurt for dinner and lunch. When I started meditating, I got into eating healthier food.
Do you still indulge?
I recently had a birthday, and [was sent] Beverly Hills Cookies. I can have two cookies. But I can’t keep it in my house because I don’t have any control. [It’s like] that episode of Sex and the City where Miranda couldn’t stop eating brownies, so she threw them in the trash, then she took them out and ate them, and then had to pour soap on them.
What do you think about weight loss drugs?
I can totally see the appeal. Some people say it’s amazing, but I’m fearful people haven’t been taking it long enough to know if there are bad side effects. I’m just going more for working out and dieting.
These days, celebs are being more open about going under the knife. Have you done anything?
I’ve never cut my face open. I’ve tried microneedling and Botox. I don’t have any filler now, but I’ve tried it. I’m more into lasers. My goal is to look natural — I don’t want to look freaky. I wouldn’t completely rule it out, though.
Do you think it’s gotten easier to age in Hollywood?
It used to be that if you weren’t married at a certain [time], you’re a spinster. The culture is now embracing female empowerment, especially in music. I was listening to Miley Cyrus’ “Flowers,” and I love that there are women writing these songs. I recently went through a breakup, and I listened to the girl power, angry songs. Dua Lipa, Doechii, Cardi B, thank you for helping me through my breakup!
As an actress, do you worry about getting older?
For me, it’s asking, “What do I want?” Not, “Do you think I’m getting older?” Or “How does everyone see me?” I want to be telling my own stories, and I want to go on a yoga retreat and this is the kind of person I want to date and these are the friends I want to be around. It’s about self-esteem.
Sounds like you’ve figured it out.
We’re all aging, and hopefully, we get to live a long life. What’s the other option? [I focus on] how I can enjoy and appreciate the life I have.
You played sexy characters in films like Boogie Nights and Austin Powers. Did you ever feel stuck in those kinds of roles?
I was a nerd when I was younger. I didn’t dress well, and I was very shy. When I started to play sexy roles, this other side of me came out, and that was fun and freeing. There’s a part of you that’s just so grateful someone thinks you’re sexy, but there are moments where I’ve felt that, creatively, I haven’t gotten to do everything I want because [I’m] seen in a certain way. When I was coming up, there was more negativity towards women being sexual.
Were you ever treated a certain way because of the characters you played?
In certain ways, I was treated unfairly. You get cast in these roles, and they’re written by men and directed by men, and then they act like, “Why are you so sexy?” And you’re like, because I need to pay my bills, dude. [Laughs.] Sometimes people didn’t see me as the strong, intelligent person I am.
Did you have any negative experiences with costars or directors?
I was never sexually harassed in a sex scene. Did Harvey Weinstein try to sexually harass me? Yes. Thank God he didn’t physically attack me, but he was basically like, “I’ll give you a job… if you have sex with me.” I didn’t, and he never worked with me. I am so impressed by Ashley Judd [one of the first celebs to speak out about Weinstein’s abuse]. I wish I would’ve reported him.
How did you protect yourself when you were younger in Hollywood?
Being in this business was great for me because… making money allowed me to move out [of my house]. [My father would] say, “When you’re under my roof, you do what I say.” So I was like, “I’m going to make my own money and be under my own roof.”
Is there anything you wish you knew before you were famous?
I started going to a 12-step group called Al-Anon about 15 years ago. I never had a problem with drugs and alcohol, but I had a problem with dysfunctional relationships. When you’re a people pleaser, others can manipulate you more easily. [Al-Anon] helped me learn how to stand up for myself.
How did you avoid some of the typical pitfalls of fame?
I never went to Jeffrey Epstein’s island… I’m thinking about [that topic] too much. I am very hardworking, and I feel like I’m meant to be doing this. I recently started working with a new acting coach, and I love what I do and I’m always trying to learn and do it as well as I can.
Do you take criticism to heart?
I was backstage at a talk show once, and Bradley Cooper and Will Smith were there. And they both said, “If you ever Google yourself, that’s like cutting.” It’s basically torturing yourself. I don’t go looking for that.
Are there any roles you regret taking — or not getting?
I’ve definitely made some mistakes — things I was offered and didn’t do, and things I really wanted that turned out great. I really wanted to be in Monster, but [Charlize Theron] was amazing.
You bought your dream house three years ago. What’s the best part of it?
I grew up with a very domineering father and I saw my mother as subservient. I like the idea that I have my own house — like, I like it really hot inside. Friends and boyfriends are like, “This is way too hot,” but I like to set my own thermostat, you know what I mean?
How did that experience with your parents shape you?
When you grow up in an abusive environment, you think, “Oh, this is normal.” As a kid, I thought I must’ve done something wrong. As I got older, I [realized my father] handled those situations very badly.
What’s your relationship like now with your family?
I’m not interested in having a relationship [with my dad] unless he can apologize and take accountability. My other family members are slightly controlled by him, so I don’t know. I have people around me who are so much more loving, and I want to go where the love is.
Are you close with any fellow celebs?
I’m really good friends with Molly Shannon. [We’re going on a] yoga retreat together. I’d like to have more celebrity friends. [Laughs.]
You’ve been open about your early 2000s romance with Heath Ledger. How do you remember him?
He was a very special person, and it was really devastating when he died. He obviously had his demons, but I’m grateful I got to know him. He was one of the big loves of my life. In fact, it was not good — I was slightly obsessed with him. But we live and learn.
You’ve also talked about being OK not having children…
I never found that perfect partner to have kids with. There’s a great quote that says, “If you don’t have kids, life brings you people to nurture.” You put the love towards your friendships, your work… I like my freedom, and I’ve gotten to watch my friends’ kids grow up and have good relationships with them. There are moments where I wonder if it would’ve been fun — but it’s also fun not having kids.
Are you open to marriage?
I’m not against it. I’ve seen some horrible marriages, like what my parents have? No, thank you. My friends who are the happiest were together for 10 years before they got married. So if I ever got married, I’d want to be with someone for a pretty long time first. I don’t feel like I need a ring.
Is your new boyfriend aligned on that?
I feel like I’m unconventional. Most people are like, I need to get married. I need to have kids. I’m just not totally feeling that, and he’s kind of similar. He was married, and he’s not opposed to marriage, but he feels like an unconventional person as well. It’s nice.
What’s next for you?
I’m starting my own production company making female-driven stories. I’m playing with the idea of doing a cooking show about women and sex and cooking and the conversations we have around tables… I [also] want to write a revenge story about a woman who goes to a Jeffrey Epstein island and kills all the bad guys.
What message do you hope to get across to women?
I hope I can reflect that they should feel good about themselves, no matter their age. And that the most important thing is enjoying your life. Whether or not I get a job I want, if I can enjoy my life and radiate joy, that’s my main goal.
For more on Heather Graham, watch the exclusive video above and pick up the latest issue of Us Weekly — on newsstands now.
