Lukas Gage said he found “empathy” for his younger self while writing his new memoir — even if it stirred up difficult memories for him and his family.
One moment in particular was triggering for his mother, when he detailed being molested by a camp counselor in his youth.
“It killed me to hear her so hurt about some of the things that happened to us,” Gage, 30, exclusively told Us Weekly ahead of I Wrote This for Attention’s book release on Tuesday, October 14, referring to the moment he had to tell his mom he was forced to perfrom sexual acts in front of a counselor.
“I think, you know, as a mom, I feel like you don’t want to feel like you failed your kids. You just want the best for them,” the Euphoria alum shared with Us. “And there’s so many things that were out of her control, and you can only protect your kids so much.”
While his mom couldn’t protect him from being harmed, Gage said she has always been “amazing” as a parent.
“She took over as a father and a mother, like, she is a bad ass,” he gushed. “I think there was nothing that she could have done to protect me. The world is a crazy, scary place, and you can only protect your kids so much.”
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Despite feeling bad for his mom and her emotional reaction to his trauma, Gage decided to be vulnerable about all parts of his life in his book. That included recounting his uncomfortable encounter with an older camp counselor years prior.
“Suddenly, the tent door unzipped, and we both froze. A shadowy figure poked their face in. As the silhouette came closer, I realized it was the counselor who was always flirting with all the other counselors,” Gage wrote in his memoir. “The handsome Australian in his twenties: the one who exuded a raw, intoxicating masculinity and rugged charm that made him appear a decade older — the very man I longed to be.”
The White Lotus actor recalled having all his clothes on, but feeling like “we might as well have been naked” because of the way the counselor “looked us up and down.”
“I tried covering myself, even though nothing was exposed and there was nowhere for me to go,” Gage wrote, noting he was with a fellow camper named Nina when the counselor “stepped into the tent and zipped the canvas flap behind him.”
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Gage remembered realizing almost instantly that he “wouldn’t get in trouble” for being in the tent with Nina if he chose to “perform” for the counselor.
“He unzipped his pants as he started moving closer. I knew it was wrong as it was happening. It was wrong of him,” the actor wrote. “It was wrong that I was a little turned on, that I felt uncomfortable, that I felt nothing at all. It was wrong that I loved the thrill of doing something forbidden.”
Gage explained that his “skin felt dirty” and his stomach “tensed with fear” but he used his “anxiety and tried turning it into excitement.”
He recalled the counselor touching himself as Gage was instructed to “kiss her harder” and take off his shirt to move their bodies closer together.
“I hesitated, then reluctantly began taking off my shirt. Time began to speed up, and suddenly I wasn’t as frightened anymore. I was no longer present for it. A whole new avatar had emerged,” Gage wrote. “ I was so disconnected from myself — watching, detached, as if I were on my computer screen controlling one of my Sims.”
After some time, Gage remembered the counselor making “a noise of relief” and then he “came on my sleeping bag.”
“When I came back into my body, I was now alone in the same sleeping bag, watching the sun begin to rise. What the f*** happened last night?”
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After writing his memoir, Gage told Us one of the toughest parts was learning “to be honest with myself.”
He explained, “I think it’s really easy to talk about a lot of stuff in your life and kind of make a joke out of it, or, you know, be very surface level with it. But I think like going deep and really being honest with myself, I felt like I understood myself a lot more.”
Gage revealed, “I had a lot of empathy for that younger, impulsive, reckless kid. It was amazing. I feel very grateful that I had that much time to, like, just dig into myself.”
I Wrote This for Attention is now available wherever books are sold.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
