Jen Hatmaker is reflecting on how purity culture affected her marriage to ex-husband Brandon.
Appearing on a recent episode of the podcast, “The Jamie Kern Lima Show,” the HGTV star opened up about how she brought the “sexual shame” she developed at a young age into her marriage to Brandon, 53.
Jen, 51, recalled a story from her days as a young teenager when her church taught her “sex education” using a flower metaphor. She explained that she and the other girls were told that they were like a flower — a “pure” and “pristine” gift to be given to their husbands only. They were warned that activities such as sexual intercourse with their boyfriends or letting people touch their bodies prior to marriage would be “ruining” the gift, like a petal being ripped off a flower.
“That was the first time in my life I had been told by a spiritual authority that I was a real problem, that my body was a problem, that I was in charge of not just my own sexual purity, but the boys and any sexual deviance that came into play, if it was mine, it was my fault, and if it was theirs, it was my fault, and that seared into my psyche. I’m 50 years old. I’m still talking about it,” Jen explained.
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Jen added that being taught to think that way about sexual desires so early in life came back to haunt her when she did eventually get married.
“That story was handed to so many of us at our age, at such a pivotal time, and I carried that sexual shame with me into my marriage. For sure,” she said.
Jen added that she and Brandon got married young and had already “sullied the story,” implying that neither of them saved themselves for marriage like they had been taught.
“So we already walked into our relationship full of guilt, full of shame, full of secrets, because that’s not something we were allowed to talk about or to be honest about,” she said. “And so you just bury that internally, and it’s so corrosive.”
Jen also pointed out the damage caused from being told to hold back on sexual desires for so long, but then having the expectation after marriage to suddenly be skilled in the bedroom to be able to please your husband.
“It certainly affected our marriage when you are told over and over and over that sexual feelings, desires, behaviors, explorations, all of it are so dirty and that you are dirty for having them, for thinking them or for doing them, you believe it. You just believe it,” Jen continued.
She added: “And so I walked that sense of such conflict into my marriage, because, of course, in that camp, then you’re also told ‘Don’t be slutty and have sex.’ But then when you finally get married and have sex, be awesome at it. Be unhindered, right? Be like a vixen. Give it up anytime the husband wants it. Be kind of wild about it. That whiplash is the source of a lot of misery for a lot of young marriages that came out of that environment, and it was for us to.”
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Jen and Brandon’s relationship was featured on My Big Family Renovation, which premiered in 2014. The couple later announced their split in 2020 following nearly three decades of marriage.
“Brandon and I are getting divorced. Although the details are ours alone, this was completely unexpected, and I remain stunned as we speak. I am shocked, grief-stricken, and broken-hearted,” Jen wrote via Instagram at the time. “Hold us so dear to your hearts. We have felt your prayers these last few weeks. We have experienced your mercy. Thank you for being good to us. Know that we are deeply surrounded by love and have not been alone a single second in two months. Please help protect us and keep us safe as we try to heal and rebuild.”
Both Brandon and Jen have moved on after their divorce. Brandon is now married to Tina Hatmaker, while Jen found love with boyfriend Tyler Merritt.
