Ever found yourself religiously following the lives of people you’ve never met on social media?
Be it your favourite artist, influencer – or someone you met once at a party – those of us “chronically online” are likely familiar with that strange phenomenon of feeling like you know someone – without actually knowing them at all.
That funny feeling is what psychologists call a parasocial relationship: a one-sided attachment or bond with someone despite a lack of reciprocity.
The term was first used by academics in 1956 with the advent of television, which facilitated the “illusion of face-to-face relationships” with “performers” on our screens.
Today, it’s increasingly associated with influencers and podcasters, given the amount – and often intimate nature – of what they put online.
“Unrequited relationships are nothing new,” Dr Veronica Lamarche, a social personality psychologist at the University of Essex, says. “Throughout history there are lots of examples of people forming one-sided connections.
“It’s a case of all your connection with that person coming solely through what you’re presented with through those channels – be it your favourite TV show or a social media profile.”
A 2024 study co-authored by Dr Lamarche revealed that while people found their emotional needs were still best met by friends and family, parasocial relationships with YouTubers were valued more than relationships with “real” acquaintances or colleagues.
“Parasocial relationships are available whenever we need them,” Dr Lamarche adds.
“In the middle of the night, if you’re feeling a bit sad, you can turn to your favourite content creator and get that feeling of solace – whereas it might be inappropriate to wake up your best friend to call them for a chat. There aren’t those same boundaries.”
One follower ‘turned up at my house’
Charlie Pauly, 34, is a travel blogger and content creator who knows those blurred boundaries all too well.
He and his then partner started documenting their round-the-world trip in 2017 and unwittingly became “the UK’s biggest Instagram travel couple”.
But when the couple separated in 2022, not only did he have to navigate a break-up but his followers’ reactions – and many had been invested in their “couple goals” persona for years.
“The thing with social media is people love depth. They really want to get to know you – and people really believe that they know you,” he tells Sky News.
“I got lots of lovely messages of support, but it went crazy at first. I got [messages saying]: ‘I always knew she was gay’ and ‘he was definitely cheating on her’ – none of which was true.
“Even just recently a guy came up to me and kept saying ‘you were such a good couple’.
“I suppose that’s the perfect example of a parasocial relationship. I don’t know this person and yet he came and said all of this to my face. It’s just weird.”
When Charlie was living on a narrowboat near his hometown of Peterborough, a follower sent a picture of himself standing beside it.
“He just turned up at the boat when we weren’t there – I had no idea,” he recalls. “He took a selfie and sent it to me on Instagram.”
Charlie, who has now rebranded as a solo traveller, still isn’t sure whether it was meant maliciously or not, but he felt it crossed privacy and safety boundaries.
“He said he ‘just wanted to say hi’, but I got quite defensive about it. I told him: ‘I don’t know where your head’s at, but that’s not cool. Don’t ever turn up at my house again’.”
‘I hadn’t realised my follower had died’
Lifestyle content creator Kristabel Plummer says she has felt the effects of the parasocial relationship in reverse – when she found out one of her most loyal followers had died.
The 37-year-old from London has been making a living from her social media channels for the past 12 years, with around 80,000 followers on Instagram and “lives” on TikTok roughly three times a week.
Earlier this year, she realised she hadn’t heard from a follower she’d had on-off conversations with for years.
The follower, an aspiring influencer herself, would diligently follow tips and hacks Kristabel posted, and Kristabel had followed her back roughly two years ago.
“She was in South Africa and I’m not sure what the influencer scene is like there, but she wasn’t able to do it as a job – like me. So she would always remember very specific things I’d written and put them into practice,” she says.
She recalls: “She crossed my mind one day, so I checked her profile – only to find someone had posted about her passing away.”
Although she didn’t find out until eight months later, and she still doesn’t know how she died, Kristabel was brought to tears.
“It’s such a strange sort of relationship. If someone stops messaging you, you have no way of knowing what’s happened to them – so it was very upsetting to find out that way,” she adds.
Her experience is in line with academic research, which has shown people can still experience grief-like symptoms even if they have never met the person who has died, or if they’re not real.
Parasocial relationships ‘part of our psychological toolkit’
But there are plenty of positives to parasocial relationships. Dr Lamarche describes them as “part of our psychological toolkit for connection” when used in the right way.
Research has shown they can reduce social isolation, build confidence, and enhance our sense of identity.
Josh Fletcher, or ‘Anxiety Josh’, is a psychotherapist, author, and podcaster with around 240,000 Instagram followers and nearly two million podcast downloads.
After a breakdown in his early 20s, he was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD, and suffered from panic attacks and intrusive thoughts.
Having found the resources he’d been given of little use, he decided to create a platform to help others like him. His posts aim to show what various conditions and their symptoms look like in reality – and how people can separate themselves from how they feel in that moment.
“When you’re anxious you feel alone, you feel isolated – sometimes you don’t even have the words to describe how you’re feeling,” the 35-year-old from Manchester tells Sky News.
“I live a happy life now, but by me saying ‘I’ve been there’ gives people hope.”
Researchers who specialise in parasocial relationships have consistently found that minority groups, particularly the LGBTQ+ community, often get the most benefits from them – especially if they lack those peers in their social circles.
“Being able to see yourself mirrored back to you is a great antidote to that loneliness and hopelessness that comes with a lot of mental health conditions,” Josh says.
He sees the benefits of his followers’ parasocial relationships with him in the messages he gets, he adds.
On his podcast Disordered, his listeners share things they’ve achieved with the help of his online community, despite their mental health challenges.
And in response to his latest book, And How Does That Make You Feel: Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Therapy, he’s had “hundreds” of messages from people inspired to follow in his footsteps because he has “taught them it’s okay be a therapist – and still not have your all s*** sorted”.
Risk of social withdrawal
While parasocial connections have proven benefits, they’re not without their risks.
Following someone else’s experiences day in, day out, inevitably leads to social comparison – and can risk people developing unhealthy ideals or expectations.
And for those with low self-esteem or attachment issues, there is a risk of withdrawing from in-person relationships in favour of parasocial ones.
“The reason they can be so harmful is that one-sidedness,” Dr Lamarche says.
“While they’re useful, they can’t ever fully satiate our needs, so when things get really challenging, these people can’t tailor their behaviours to us – because they don’t know who we are.
“So if someone with low self-esteem starts putting all their eggs in their parasocial basket, that withdrawal can make them more vulnerable and actually lower their wellbeing long-term.”
So how do you strike the right balance?
Both Charlie and Kristabel admit they are “still figuring out their boundaries” when it comes to these kinds of parasocial relationships.
But as a psychotherapist, Josh says he has always been mindful that they can form and feels a responsibility to navigate them carefully.
“That over-familiarity can lead to disappointment,” he says.
“I come across as this caring, considerate person on social media, but if people reach out to me and I don’t respond, that can be perceived as a rejection.
“I have to put ‘no DM advice’ on my profile because I can’t provide individual advice – it’s unethical.”
So how do you strike the right balance – particularly when you make a living from sharing your life online?
Michelle Elman is a life coach, author, content creator, and self-styled “queen of boundaries”.
Just over a year ago, having kept her relationship relatively private, she revealed that she had got engaged and discovered her fiance had been cheating on her with one of her followers – all on the same day.
Now, she has returned to posting about dating, friendships, and body positivity – having initially found internet fame for sharing pictures of her surgery scars.
“I think with my style of content there’s a perception that I share everything about my life – when I actually really don’t,” she tells Sky News.
Whenever she has felt the need to demonstrate this to her followers, she asks them how many siblings she has – so they realise they don’t know the answer.
“I’m very private about the people in my life – my family, friends, the people I’m dating,” she explains.
While she may share screenshots of WhatsApp messages or conversations on dating apps, she doesn’t reveal names or anything beyond the early stages of a relationship.
“Every so often, I might get a message asking ‘What happened to this guy?’, but I won’t answer, because the moment you start, it’s never going to be enough to meet people’s expectations.”
Asked how influencers can avoid the pitfalls of parasocial relationships, she advises them not to let followers dictate what they do and don’t talk about – and to be aware “oversharing” won’t increase their numbers.
“People can think that relatability thing, if you overshare, you’ll get a bigger following – but you have to ask yourself if that’s why you want people to follow you.
“If you look at my Instagram as a whole – it does sum up my life – but that doesn’t mean I’ve shared every thought I’ve ever had.”
