No news is good news, as the saying goes.
If there’s any truth to the proverb, then all is well in the town of Clinton.
That’s because in Clinton not a single crime was reported Thursday night. Not. A. Single. One.
The sudden turn away from lawlessness left the Clinton Police Department flabbergasted and without anything to do.
“In a shocking turn of events, no one broke into anything, no one ran from us, no one left their license plate at the scene of a crime,” the department said in one of the least dramatic press releases put out by a police agency.
“No foot chases, no petty theft, no one called to report a raccoon impersonating a burglar. Not even a single ‘I swear I only had two beers, officer.’ We’re as confused as you are,” the press release continued.
Naturally suspicious, police twice checked with dispatch — and twice officers learned there were no calls. Nada. Zilich. Not a peep from the people of Clinton.
“It’s like the whole town is in witness protection,” the department said.
So what did officers do all night? Wave at a prowling squirrel (no doubt plotting to mess with a substation), watch a moth try to break out of headquarters, alphabetize desks, clean (dust and grime, not crime) and consider forming a kazoo band.
It may put them out of the job, but Clinton police appreciated that the town maintained law and order, letting them put the “peace” in “peace officer.”
“Clinton, whatever you did…thanks for doing absolutely nothing. Let’s do it again sometime. Maybe always,” the department said.
We’ll see whether that trend holds this weekend.
