This story includes discussion of suicide. If you or someone you know needs help, the national suicide and crisis lifeline in the U.S. is available by calling or texting 988. There is also an online chat at 988lifeline.org.
BOSTON (AP) — For more than a year, Red Sox outfielder Jarren Duran has written the same reminder on his right wrist when he tapes up before games: “Still alive.”
It wasn’t until this week that the meaning of that message became clear.
Duran said in a Netflix show that was released on Tuesday that he tried to kill himself when his baseball career was sputtering in 2022. Sharing his story, he told reporters in his first public comments since the episode aired, was an attempt to “let people know that there’s always hope.”
“Ask for help,” he told a large contingent of reporters and TV cameras gathered around him in the Red Sox clubhouse before Boston’s game against the Toronto Blue Jays.
“I know it’s not easy,” he said. “The resources, they’ve been there. It’s just when you’re going through it, you just don’t really want to talk about it. It’s just you versus you, and you just kind of shut yourself off from the world. And I mean, it’s pretty lonely.”
Although Duran has been open about his mental health struggles, he had not gone public with the suicide attempt until he was interviewed for the Netflix series “The Clubhouse: A Year With the Red Sox.” Even his parents did not know, he said in the interview, which took place last season.
In a statement released through the team after the episode aired on Tuesday, Duran said: “Talking about this wasn’t easy, but it felt important.”
“I knew that if I was going to share this, I had to be real about it,” he said. “A few years ago, I found myself in a dark place, but I’m still here, and I’m so lucky I am. And if my story can help even one person, then it was worth telling.”
A seventh-round draft choice who was an All-Star last season, Duran was one of baseball’s top hitting prospects when he was called up to the major leagues in 2021. But he struggled early, and spent much of his first two seasons shuttling between the majors and minors.
Duran said in the documentary that the expectations of the fans and media wore on him, and at times he felt players were treated like “zoo animals.” But he was even harder on himself.
“I couldn’t deal with telling myself how much I sucked every day,” he said. “I was already hearing it from fans. And what they said to me, (it’s not like) I haven’t told myself 10 times worse in the mirror. That was a really tough time for me. I didn’t even want to be here anymore.”
Director Greg Whiteley then asked, “When you say, ‘here,’ you mean ‘here with the Red Sox’ or ‘here on planet Earth’?”
“Probably both,” Duran said. He then described his suicide attempt.
Duran, 28, said on Tuesday that the decision to open up to the documentarians was spontaneous.
“I was kind of sitting there, kind of quiet, didn’t really think that it was a good moment to talk about it,” he said. “But then I thought this could possibly help people out there that don’t really want to talk about it. So I just took that leap of faith, and hoped that it was going to do more good than bad.”
The few thousand fans at Fenway Park who defied 35-degree temperatures for Tuesday night’s game gave Duran the usual applause when he led off the bottom of the first inning. He was 0 for 3 with three strikeouts and a walk in the game.
Duran’s parents, Octavio and Dena Duran, said in a statement on Tuesday that they only recently learned the depths of their son’s mental health struggle.
“It was heartbreaking to hear,” they said. “We are beyond grateful that he is still here, that he has found the courage to keep going, and that he is using his voice to help others. If his story can help even one person, then it was worth sharing. We are incredibly proud of the man he is today and love him more than words can say. We will always be in his corner.”
Red Sox manager Alex Cora said on Monday that Duran’s decision to tell his story will save lives. Team president Sam Kennedy called it “an act of courage that reaches far beyond baseball” and pledged the organization’s full support.
“They’ve always been amazing to me,” Duran said. “I didn’t want it to be this thing where they treated me differently. But they’re still talking smack to me and I’m talking smack back to them. And we still have that love language. So it’s been awesome.”
And as Duran finished up with reporters on Tuesday, Red Sox pitcher Richard Fitts crossed the clubhouse wearing a T-shirt being sold to raise money for the Jarren Duran Community Foundation.
Its messages are the same as those Duran has been writing on his wrists. Stay alive, along with an expletive directed at his internal demons. (Last year, Duran was warned by Major League Baseball for wearing a different shirt with the same profane message during an on-field interview; he said the message helped him get through difficult times.)
Fitts said Duran has his teammates’ support.
“It’s awesome that he was able to share that. Him saying that helps a lot of people,” Fitts said. “Baseball’s a game, and it brings people joy. But being able to reach people like that, it’s bigger than baseball.”
By Jimmy Golen, Associated Press sports writer. AP sports writer Kyle Hightower and freelancer Ken Powtak contributed to this report.
