Allison Holker opened up about the alleged abuse within the dance community that she endured as a teenager.
During the Monday, January 27, episode of “The Jamie Kern Lima Show” podcast, Holker, 36, was asked about a “traumatizing” excerpt from her memoir, This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light.
“I had experienced my first time really feeling like I’d been taken advantage of,” Holker recalled about alleged abuse that happened when she was 17. “I had some older man really take advantage of the vulnerability that women go through, especially in the dance community.”
Holker said she struggled with self-blame at the time, adding, “Where we look up to our teachers and we just trust them, and dance can be very physical. It can be very sexual, even at a young age. “It tore me apart for a lot of years. I felt like it was my fault because how could it have gotten to that place? I must have done something wrong and I felt so much shame in who I was.”
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Holker explained that it took “so many years” to work through the trauma.
“I was so embarrassed. To this day, it’s one of those things. Man, if I would have just spoken out for myself, maybe I could have built myself back up and helped other young girls, too, to not let that happen,” she said. “I’m proud of myself now.”
Holker noted that becoming a mother changed the way she viewed the past. “I blamed myself for years, for myself when I had my daughter,” the dancer, who shared son Maddox, 8, and daughters Weslie, 16, and Zaia, 5, with late husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss added. “I realized that I need to build her up to like if anything ever happened to her.”
In order to write her memoir, Holker had to address difficult situations including the death of her husband. Boss, best known for his all-star appearances on So You Think You Can Dance and as the regular DJ on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, died by suicide in December 2022 at age 40.
Earlier this month, Holker recalled learning more about Boss’ emotional struggles by reading his journals.
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“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that have been said, reading through his journals … you realize he went through a lot as a child and never faced it,” she told People. “It’s hard to think that he never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, to get through on the other side. I really hope people dealing with the same thing will help themselves out of the shadows and [know] you’re going to be okay.”
While she came under fire for sharing Boss’ own past traumas, she stood by her decision, writing via Instagram Story, “My hope is that that we won’t need to lose another husband, brother, father, or friend to suicide. I believe that if Stephen were able to choose, he would choose to have his story told if it meant saving even one life. Much love to all those who have supported our family these many years.”
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
